there and back again.

feels so odd. surreal. many feelings i have that i can't really articulate at the moment.

she stared out of the window, amazed at the view she saw. it was not the first time that she saw it, but still, she held her breath.
she marvelled at its Creator, and gave free rein to the thoughts and emotions she felt. but she could not fully grasp it.
this, and that.
and she felt confused.
she felt she belonged, and one with them. a strange call out to the heart, and yet, something seemed amiss.
but no answer was given despite the many questions that rang in her mind.
the wait continues.

there to China, and back.
it seemed like just a moment ago. and now, everything is back.
i don't know how to feel or what to think.
or even where do i belong.
terribly at a loss.
perhaps You might help me with it these few days,
before i face the new year that comes.

with all my hopes, fears and dreams.
this year passed too fast.
and my heart cannot take it.
and i still need a little time to recover from all that plummets and coils and seethes inside.
but You are stronger, and Your grace is enough.
so let this be enough.
knowing that You are with me.

at the cross i bow my knee
where Your blood was shed for me
there's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest praise
what can separate me now?

You tore the veil
You made a way
when You said that it is done

i know you love me


and so i cried.

1:55 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

one by one,
the obstacles cleared.
events passed.
and she feels empty.
hollow.
and yet, full.
of many things.

the fog in her head cannot be cleared just yet.
she cannot give her heart away.

12:01 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

and it just seems that a few hundred years have passed,
but they were just yesterday.
the feeling of being caught in between, and having lost the friends you knew,
or not knowing them, perhaps only for a brief moment in time.

clinicals this round has been rather odd;
i feel much sorrow, but i am not really able to deal with it.
yet i sense joy at the innocence of the children, and how incredibly cute they are.
once again,
stuck in that mass of emotions,
and unable to untangle myself from it.

what i need is a break from everything.
a time to unclear the mess in my head and heart.
for what is lost, i do not know.

and even as i embark on the journey to Chin on another place of self-discovery which will lead to mortification and death of the Self, by God's grace, and a transforming to His likeness, i pray.
Let it be one that is fruitful.
that i may decrease, and Christ increase.

and the few days left in the ward, let it be something that is pleasing to You.

help me, for i find myself rather incapable of helping myself any longer.
for the soul feels rather dead and in a state of hanging-in-between.
in anguish? i don't know.

and i can only look above, and find my hope and rest there.

these tears can't really fall anymore.
what ails this putrid heart?
it's not one of depressants,
but perhaps a deadening of what is happening around me.

yet, deeper it seems, i must bury it.
but i know i must lay it at the Cross.
bare, for You to see.
and i shall weep in sorrow and joy,
for You shall comfort me,
and i will find peace.

but it has yet to come.

what smiles then do i give now?
what joy shall fill my heart?
not that i speak in riddles,
nor in pretense, but it's these things
that weigh my soul down.
so lift.
lift them up.

at the cross i bow my knee.

have a very blessed Christmas to you(:

11:50 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

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all the brothers and sisters

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of old.

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credits.

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wonderful people

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